April 4, 2013

Just shut up because Justin Bieber is amazing

If there’s one message we’ve gotten from Justin Bieber over the past few weeks, it’s this: Whatever he’s done, whoever he’s (allegedly) spit on, or lunged at, or threatened, or kept waiting for two hours, he’s just a young man. Just trying to be positive. Just trying to figure out his life.

And if you have anything to say about his behavior, that makes you a judger and a hater. 

And you’re probably just jealous.

Lately we’ve been treated to plenty Bieber-flavored marauding: He’s allegedly hocked a lugie on a neighbor. He’s made thousands of London twinks wait for hours for the honor of paying to hear him sing. 

He’s lunged at a paparazzo, squeaking, “I'll f--king beat the f--k out of you!" He’s been banned from a hangout in Austria, reportedly over smash-happy bodyguards. 

And most recently, he touched down in Germany with a capuchin monkey who was probably too young to be taken from his mother, and who was definitely too non-dog-like to be treated as a pet. Animal rights activists on both sides of the Atlantic have slammed Bieber for this obvious bit of self-absorption.

But before you even give this kid the side-eye, Bieber has a message for you: Life is, like, hard. And even though he’s worth an estimated $110 million, even though he maintains a squadron of actual grownups to style him, shield him and book him on the occasional yacht vacation, that's all just a front. He's just a wittle kid.

"The biggest misconception about me is that I'm a bad person," he told Us Weekly. "I'm young and I make mistakes."

And if you have a problem with that, you’re probably just frightened of how amazing he is.

"I’m 19 with 5 number one albums, 19 and I’ve accomplished more than I could’ve ever dreamed of," he Tweeted recently. "I’m 19 and it must be scary to some people to think that this is just the beginning.”

Yep. That’s exactly right. We’re all just terrified of you, Justin. 

And so we ask you, here, trembling in a puddle of panic on our unworthy knees: Just put the damned monkey back where you found it.


  1. It might be instructive for the wittle kid to look up oh, say Bobby Sherman, David Cassidy, Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garret...Mmmm-BOP Biebs. Mmmm-BOP.