April 25, 2013

Hang onto your raw zucchini: I’m about to write something nice about Gwyneth

Everybody has weaknesses. Everybody. Amanda Bynes? Twitter. Miley Cyrus? Scissors. Superman has two soft spots: Kryptonite, and his suicidal penchant for saving people right when there’s a villain nearby. Even Beyonce has a weakness. Probably. Somewhere.

And, yes, gossip columnists, with their hearts cobbled from cigarette ash and basalt--we have our Waterloos, too. Mine is...


No, it’s not Gwyneth herself, although I do know at least one other gossip columnist with a serious soft spot for the GOOP. No, I speak of the wife-of-the-Vulcan-envoy get-up our Iron Man 3 co-star is wearing at this here movie premiere. I don’t like this outfit because it’s Antonio Berardi Fall 2013. I don’t like it because She is wearing it, although it sure helps to have a swanny neck and flat bosoms if you’re going to attempt high fash.
I like it because it takes a risk. In Hollywood, we used to see ballsy fashion all the time. Cher would put a peacock on her head and drape some mesh on the rest of herself and then swan out to the Oscars. Michael Jackson would accessorize in organ-grinder chic and a monkey and then call Madonna to see if she was free. In the way that today’s starlets wear statement necklaces, the celebrities of yore wore epaulets. And Brooke Shields. And midgets.

Current red carpets made vampire gossips like me weep tears of blood. So when I saw Paltrow standing there in a pair of geisha sleeves with a Tron-inspired maxi skirt, in truth, I got just a little happy.

Does the look work? Who cares? Someone in Hollywood actually tried something new in the year of our lord 2013. And that alone is worth celebrating.

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